You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
