Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Im just a social blackout drinker.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
