Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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