Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
