OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
