You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
soo... how was my night?
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