So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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