ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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