just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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