You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
dude. I can hear the air.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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