3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
