What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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