The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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