his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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