bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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