Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
