so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
