You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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