I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i will never coherently bang her
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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