Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize