I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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