If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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