Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
