cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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