I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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