I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
