He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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