Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
