He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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