just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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