Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
