He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
