you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
