I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
