There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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