i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
