was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
