I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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