I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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