It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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