I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The uberlube is also flammable
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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