i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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