Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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