Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
