and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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