if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
