someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
