i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
As shirtless as possible
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
