They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
