Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
When are your genitals available?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
