why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
