Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize