What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
