omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He felt like a one man threesome
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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