apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
