I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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