I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
