I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize