jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Redeem this text for a blowjob
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
