I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Say something about gay babies.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
