In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize