Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
